


Loss

by clarkjoekent



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, M/M, it's really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22796146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarkjoekent/pseuds/clarkjoekent
Summary: Kakashi handles grief very differently.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Nara Shikaku, Nara Shikamaru/Temari
Kudos: 28





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a one shot side piece I wrote for my other fic "Oh, Deer". I wanted that one to be happy and for Shikaku to live but I was feeling some kind of way and decided to fuck myself up and write this. Esp after I got to the happy part of the fic. 
> 
> Can be read as a companion or separate fic entirely.

Kakashi sat numb, the alcohol long since warmed in his hand. He hasn't eaten much since the war, his skin pulling over aching and mistreated bones. The alcohol only added more to his constant throbbing headaches.

Every time he closes his eyes he sees the same image. The chakra ball hurling towards the Headquarters. He remembered the sound, or the lack thereof as a sweeping silence took hold over the battlefield. Disbelief and loss grabbed at his heart while watching the man he loved get blown to the other side of the world. The smell of sulfur and burning wood reached his nose as he was trying to breathe through the panic attack rapidly building.

The silence was broken by the sound of the ball hitting its intended target and Madara’s laughter. Kakashi closed his eyes and took a deep shaking breath. He let the grief wash over him and then take hold of him.

Hound made its way in and settled like an old friend. The only way he was able to survive the rest of the war, the only way he was able to return home and become Hokage, the only way he was still breathing. 

_ Alive. _

The funeral for all those who had died during the war was a long one. It was raining. Tsunade didn't want him out in the field, she knew he'd stay until he caught pneumonia. He went anyway. His fists clenched and teeth biting the inner part of his lower lip, in an attempt to not scream.

He stayed until it was just him and Shikamaru. He had lit a cigarette, the smell of smoke slowly dragging Kakashi out of his grief fueled haze. 

If only he was able to come back earlier, maybe he could've done something. 

_Anything._

Shikamaru let out a hollow laugh. "He said he loved you."

The words reached his ears too late. Shikamaru was gone. Kakashi was soaked and cold. 

_ Alone. _

He drowned his pain in alcohol. The irony was not lost on him. Most nights he wouldn't even leave his office. He had a bottle stashed in a sealed drawer Tsunade installed during her tenure. She warned him about all of this and like a fool he fell in line behind all the other Hokages he had leered at in the past.

He made changes for the better in the village, he would go out and smile with the Academy kids, he would go down as one of the best Hokages.

He was dying inside. Every painful breath he took, his poorly healed ribs were a constant reminder of his mortality. He grew bitter. He refused shoulder touches and hugs from concerned friends. Gai would come by and offer words of comfort but to no avail. Kakashi would hyperfixate on his best friend's lost leg and how he could’ve done something. How he should've been there.

Shikamaru settled in his position as the Hokages assistant and clan head. Being reminded every day his father did better. He would enter the office to see a sleeping Kakashi, reeking of sadness and alcohol. He didn't tell him that though. He would sit Kakashi up and help him home to shower and redress. He wedded Temari and she helped fill the void of losing both parents and two mentors.

Kakashi was the happiest he has ever been since the war when he passed the hat over to Naruto. He was allowed to be alone again. No longer forced to go to work day after day and fake his way through meetings. He can shut himself away and sleep until his stomach or headache wakes him up.

Grief does terrible things to shinobi. For a man like Kakashi, he should be used to it, to be able to repress it and keep moving forward. Here he was, in the bar he first saw Shikaku stumble and ask for help, drinking his life away. Sullen and broken.

He knew he wasn't going to last much longer like this. The need to go on missions were less and he had no distractions. If he was a better man he'd be with Shikamaru and Temari, helping them with their son. Being that rock Shikamaru needed. He would be by Naruto's side, helping him. Supporting him. Like the teacher he was supposed to be.

Kakashi looked back at his glass. A dry laugh rose from his throat as he downed the warm alcohol. The words still echoed in his head.

_ "He said he loved you." _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.


End file.
